We Were Virgins Waiting Until Marriage and He Cheated!

Reader Question – Wednesday

libido

I am in a really awful situation and could use some help.  My fiance and I are both fairly religious and decided to wait until we were married to have sex.  I know that is not very typical anymore, but it was really right for us and fit with our core religious values.  We met senior year of college and have been together for 5 years.  We are )so I thought) both virgins.  Last week he confessed (tearfully) that he has been having sex with this other woman about one time a month for the past year. <!–more–>  He swears he loves only me, but was scared that if he didn’t have some experience aside from me he would always regret that and wonder.  He said he would never do this again, but wanted to get more experience so he wouldn’t always wonder and risk cheating when he was older.

Should I marry him or cut it off?!

Completely Shattered, Little Rock, AK.

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6 Comments

  1. There is always room for redemption, but I will be honest, that that would take an intense amount of work, and forgiveness on your part.
    Having an intimate relationship with someone over a long period of time like that is going to be a tough habit to break.
    The truth is, he should have been honest about it up front. Sex and his desires to have it, should have been something he was willing to talk about. It seems that he was having insecurities about it, but instead of being honest with you, he pushed it aside, and went behind your back, acting like everything was fine. If he has a hard time confronting his issues with sex now with you, that isn’t going to change after you are married (it can… but again, lots of work).
    You also need to look in your heart. The fact that he had sex, after you both vowed to be abstinent, is something that could deeply affect you, and how you perceive your relationship. You might have trust issues, etc. within yourself. If that’s the case, it will be really hard to build a lasting marriage.
    I am a minister, so obviously religious myself, and I really believe that God wants more for you than someone who treats you poorly. God wants you to be valued, and cherished. Don’t allow yourself to live a life less than the one you should be living.
    There is forgiveness, and you should forgive him… but letting go and forgiving, doesn’t mean that you should be together.
    Search your heart.

  2. Yes, you should 100% break off your engagement and never see this guy again. He not only has a cheater’s heart, but went willingly into sin and the arms of another woman repeatedly over a year! You could feel thankful that this Major defect and true nature came out now and not when you’re raising your children! At least he has only broken your trust before his evil decisions affected by the lives of innocent children.
    Now you’re further along in finding out the Real Godly Man God has chosen for you.
    Good luck!

  3. Hi Tracy,

    I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this right now. I see that you posted this 2 days ago, so I’m not sure if you’ve already spoken to your fiance about this by now, but if not I’d like to offer my advice if you’d still like some.

    My first question is, you said he confessed to you about the affair; did he come to you out of the blue or did you suspect something and initiate the conversation where he confessed? If he confessed to you out of the blue without you suspecting anything, then that’s a good sign, kind of. If you had to initiate the conversation for him to confess, then that’s a terrible sign. Even if he did confess on his own, he let it go on for a year, which leads me to my next question; how do you feel about his reasoning for the cheating?

    I can honestly say that his reasoning immediately shows 2 very large red flags. A.) He said he would “regret” not having slept with other women. Ok, why would he regret not sleeping with anyone else if he loves you and only you and asked you to marry him? Someone who is serious about your religious beliefs would at least break up with you before pursuing other romantic interests. He instead asked you to marry him while sleeping with another woman behind your back for a very large part of your relationship. That says to me he doesn’t respect you, and that’s something to be very concerned about. It didn’t happen once and then he came to you, it happened once a month for a year; 12 times before he came to you; that to me says it didn’t bother him enough what he was doing, which is also something very concerning on its own.

    On that same concern, how do you know now that now he doesn’t have an STD from this woman? Has he been tested since confessing to you? You don’t know this other woman; your fiance may not have been the only guy she was sleeping with. If you are choosing to stay with him, I would demand to see the test results that he gets back.

    ((On a very personal side note; I had a similar experience with my longest ex of 4 1/2 years refusing to get tested during a point in our relationship after a questionable period of time. I’m very serious when I say, no matter what you choose to do, he needs to man up and get tested, even if he used protection. To be perfectly honest, you shouldn’t have to bring it up getting tested to him; he should do it automatically and immediately give you the results without you having to ask for them when he gets them back. If he doesn’t, I’d walk away from him if I were you because that is beyond disrespectful if he does anything less, and you deserve the utmost respect.))

    Red flag B.) He said he did this so he wouldn’t be tempted to cheat in the future. He just cheated on you now, he HAS been cheating on you. This reasoning makes no sense, because of the pure simple fact that it no longer is a possibility for the future, it’s a reality right now. He claims to have cheated to prevent cheating; does that really make sense? That’s like saying I raped someone to prevent rape in the future; AKA – a load of bull.

    He had no desire to be upfront and honest with you about what he truly wanted; is that really someone you want to build a future with? Has he made an effort to rebuild your trust at all? If he was good enough to hide this from you for a year without you suspecting a thing, now comes the the really not-so-fun part of realizing that if you choose to stay with him, there’s always going to be a question of “is he really going to that spinning class, or is it someone else?”. Take it from someone who has kind of been there; not the exact same situation with me, but similar, and I needed A LOT to rebuild that trust. It wasn’t easy, and I still ended up leaving him because I realized after a period of time that the trust was broken and he didn’t care enough about rebuilding it with me; he was just comfortable and it was easier to stay than leaving.

    It’s very easy to get comfortable with someone, which makes the prospect of leaving so much more daunting and gut-wrenching. This decision is yours, and no one else can make it for you, but you have to realize that even though walking away from someone you’ve known and loved for so long is one of the scariest and hardest things a person can do, but sometimes it’s the only thing that can be done.

  4. You have two options. First is to forgive him and forget about the past or just break up with him and find another person whom you can trust yourself more. Whether the two of you are virgins or not, the same principles apply. Trust have been broken and it is mostly the foundation of any relationship. If your guy wants you, he should prove to you that he will not cheat ever. The problem though is that he still wants to try it again. You should assess yourself and how deep your relationship is with him. You and him are the only two people who can answer if your relationship should continue.

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