We Waited For Sex Until We Were Married – He’s TERRIBLE!

Reader Question of The Week – He’s Bad In Bed
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I was with my husband for 2 years before we got married.  We are both pretty romantic and fairly religious so we decided to wait until we were married to have sex.  <!–more–> He is a bit more religious than me so he was a virgin.  I still take sex very seriously and had only had one sexual partner (a very serious boyfriend I was madly in love with and thought I would marry one day).  I was very young so that one didn’t work out.  Anyway, once I met my husband I realized he was the man of my dreams.  He’s really perfect in every way – well almost.  We waited until the first night of our honeymoon for sex and he is terrible!  I thought it was his first time so I would give it some time.  We are back home – it has been a month.  Well, he’s still terrible.  I don’t want to talk about it and make him insecure?! Or should I??  Any advice.

Very Frustrated, Kentucky

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7 Comments

  1. I am so proud of both of you that you waited until you were married to have sex. Don’t despair! There are sex manuals available that can teach both of you what you need to know. What could be better than to discover this wonder of nature together! Learn and have fun!!!

  2. I was my fiance’s first kiss. It was not very good. Luckily, he was very open to suggestion. You should talk to him, but be careful how you do it. Guys are really sensitive in this area. He loves you, he wants to please you. And try not to bring up any of your past bedmates, or make it sound like you’re comparing. Tell him you love him, then say, I’d really like it if you would do blank. Try talking about it when you’re not having sex, in a low pressure casual situation. You are going to have to be patient, but he will get it eventually. He’s worth it, right?

  3. The rest of us have had years of experience, he’s had just a month! Don’t get frustrated yet. He needs you to guide him in the most loving way possible. Talk about it, the more open you are talking about sex in a positive way, the more you’ll get what you want. Feel free to watch sex videos with him and say things like “Oh you should do THAT to me.” The more excited you are, the more he’ll want to please. and make sure no one is hogging the bottom ;)

  4. I definitely think you should bring this up to him. If he does not know what he is doing wrong, how can he fix it? Sex is a very important part of a relationship. You can bring this up without being too critical. Just be honest, and as kind as possible. But really, it has only been a month. Most men take years to master their technique. Be patient, teach him what you need/like. Maybe some gentle coaxing like, hey try this, or do this while in the sack.

  5. I was in a similar situation but I eventually talked to my husband about what I was feeling/thinking and we have gone on to have a much better sex life. It takes time, don’t react out of frustration right away. Be patient and work together, expecting it to take some practice. Hope you both learn a lot and have a very happy marriage in every way.

  6. If you can’t talk about sex with the person you’re having it with, who can you talk with it about?

    Obviously you can’t tell him he’s terrible, that would just as terrible. But based on your apprehension to talking to him about sex, my guess would be that you haven’t told him what you want and what you like.

    The boy’s a newbie, and you’re going to have to show him the way, and explore together. People that are good in bed do not get that way by themselves – they have had people (or multiple people) take the time to really coach them. Although he does not benefit from previous experience, you are the expert in how your body works.

    So have nights where you just mess around like a couple of high school kids, with no sex and no pressure. Talk about what you’re doing and praise everything he does that feels good.

    The best way in the world, though, is for you to go solo and have him sit back, watch and enjoy. Nothing will tell him more about how to please you, I promise you that.

    And do please check out Dan Savage, especially Savage Love on MTV. I have been reading his column since well before I was sexually active, and I give him a lot of credit for the fact that I have never been in a relationship (only 4 total, including my fiancee) with someone who I do not still consider an incredible person – and they have all ended fairly amicably as well.

    And now I’m just a couple of months away from marrying the man of my dreams. This one, we can talk about absolutely anything, and our connection is the strongest I have ever felt with anyone. It’s pretty great stuff.

    Good luck to you, and remember, it’s supposed to be fun! So have fun with it!

  7. TALK ABOUT IT! If you two can’t be open and honest about this one aspect of your relationship, it will eventually get worse down the road. He is your husband and your life partner. If you two got married expecting to be together forever, that takes work. And if this part doesn’t work, make it work. You have everything to gain from talking about it. There are probably lots of ways to go about exploring each other and sex itself. If he’s only had a month, and he’s deeply religious, chances are he doesn’t know ANYTHING about it, and he is still in the learning curve a teenage boy would be. I doubt he has watched dirty movies or anything of that nature. Make sure you encourage this by telling him you love him, and married couples explore sexuality all the time.

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